“An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self truth and each party expresses strength and vulnerability honor, weakness quiet confidence (Isa. 30:15) and competence in a balanced way1.” ~Harriet Lerner
1Note: The above sentence wreaked of cognitive dissonance (double-mindedness – James 1:8) the way it was previously written.
This article was corrected in accordance with what the Bible teaches. Please see the book of Thomas for more in-depth guidance on overcoming “self”.
https://jahtruth.net/kofk-free/49thom.htm
Setting spiritual goals is essential if we want to be both physically and emotionally healthy. Creating a healthy spirit is empowering. By recognizing the need to set and enforce limits spiritual goals, you protect against your “self”, maintain sanity, and enjoy healthy relationships.
Unhealthy boundaries cause emotional pain that can lead to dependency, depression, anxiety, and even stress-induced physical illness2. A lack of spiritual training is like leaving the door to your home unlocked: anyone, including unwelcome guests, can enter at will (Matt. 24:43).
2Trying to remember all of the made-up boundaries/lies to keep the ego inflated.
On the other hand, having too high of an opinion of one’s self can lead to isolation, like living in a locked-up castle surrounded by a mote. No one can get in, and you can’t get out3.
3Being full of one’s “self” leaves no room for the truth to get in, which is the only thing that can set us free.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are barriers, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for their “selves” what they prejudge to be safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how their “self” will respond when someone steps outside those limits. (outofthefog.net)
The easiest way to think about a boundary is a property line. We have all seen “No Trespassing” signs, which send a clear message that if you violate that boundary, there will be a consequence (Mark 12:31). This type of boundary is easy to picture and understand because you can see the sign and the border it protects. Personal “self” boundaries can be harder to define because the lines are invisible, can change, and are unique to each individual “self” (Deut. 12:8). Personal boundaries, just like the “No Trespassing” sign, define where your “self” ends and others begin and are determined by the amount of physical and emotional space your “self” allow between yourself and others. Personal “self” boundaries control you and decide what types of communication, behavior, and interaction are acceptable to it4.
4Anything that reinforces its illusions and “self” deceptions.
Why is it important for the “self” to set boundaries (Rom. 8:5-8)?
•To practice self promotion and self defense
•To communicate its selfish needs in a relationship
•To make time and space for itself (Gal. 2:20)
•To set limits in a relationship in a way that is “self”-centered
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries provide a barrier between your “self” and what it perceives to be an intruding force, like a Band-Aid protects a wound from abrasion. Physical boundaries include control over your body, its sense of personal space, its sexual orientation, and privacy (1 Cor. 9:27). These boundaries are expressed through clothing, shelter, noise tolerance, verbal restraint, and controlling body language. An example of physical “self” boundary violation: a truth talker. Its immediate and automatic reaction is to step back in order to reset its personal space. By doing this, it sends a non-verbal message that when this person comes too close to the truth it feels an invasion of its personal space5. If the truth continues to move closer, it might verbally protect its boundary by telling him/her to stop sharing the truth with you.
5The “self” is constantly trying to reinflate itself, to take up all of its personal space.
Other examples of physical boundary invasions by the ego/“self” are:
•Inappropriate touching, such as unwanted sexual advances.
•Looking through others’ personal files and emails.
•Not allowing others their personal space. (e.g., barging into your boss’s office without knocking)
Emotional and Intellectual Boundaries
These boundaries protect your ego’s sense of “self” importance and its ability to separate your from others (Luke 9:23).
When you have weak emotional boundaries, it’s like getting caught in the midst of a hurricane with no protection from your “self”. It exposes itself by being greatly affected by others’ words, thoughts, and actions and ends up feeling bruised, wounded, and battered6.
6Self-pity is a powerful dark emotion.
These include beliefs, behaviors, choices, sense of responsibility, and your ability to be intimate (truthful) with others (Matt. 16:27). Examples of emotional and intellectual boundary invasions are:
•Not knowing how to separate your feelings from your ego’s emotions and allowing his/her mood to dictate your level of happiness or sadness (a.k.a. codependency – Thom. 1:6-8).
•Sacrificing your plans, dreams, and goals in order to please it (the ego/”self”).
•Not taking responsibility for yourself and blaming others for your problems.
Barriers to Boundary Setting
It seems obvious that no one would want their boundaries violated by their “self”. So why do we allow it? Why do we NOT enforce or uphold our boundaries?
•FEAR of rejection and, ultimately, abandonment.
•FEAR of confrontation.
•GUILT.
•We were not taught healthy spiritual boundaries.
•Safety Concerns
Assess the current state of your(?) boundaries
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES allow you to:
• Control self importance and self discipline.
•Share information gradually, on a need to know basis, in a mutually sharing and trusting relationship.
•Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion by the “self”.
•Have healthy relationship where responsibility and power are constantly maintained by the spirit-Being over the “self”.
•Be certain before speaking. Confidently and truthfully say “yes” or “no” and be okay when others say “no” to you (Matt. 5:37).
•Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires from your “self”. Recognize that your boundaries and needs are different from its.
•Empower your true, spiritual self to make healthy choices and take responsibility for yourself. If you are dealing with someone who is physically dangerous or threatening to you, it may not be safe to attempt to set explicit boundaries with them. If you are in this situation, it can be helpful to work with a THE Counselor, Therapist and Advocate (1 John 2:1) to create a safety plan and boundary setting may be a part of this.
UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES are characterized by the “self”:
•Sharing too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing you off so it can express its need and wants.
•Feeling responsible for its happiness at the expense of others.
•Inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment.
•Inflicting its weak sense of your own identity. Deceiving you into basing how you feel about yourself on how others treat you, instead of on doing Father’s Will (Matt. 6:10).
•Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you (including your “self”); consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life and actions.
Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries (Modified from the book, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine)
When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, calmly, firmly, respectfully, and in as few words as possible, with no thought of “self”. Do not justify, get angry, or apologize for the boundary you are setting if you KNOW it’s Father’s Will. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the spiritual boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a respectful manner. If it upset them, know it is their problem.
Some people, especially those accustomed to controlling, abusing, or manipulating you, might test you. Plan on it, expect it, but remain firm. Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting. You cannot successfully establish a clear spiritual boundary if you send mixed messages by apologizing. At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a spiritual boundary. Do it anyway and remind yourself you have a right to care what’s best for all concerned. Setting spiritual boundaries takes practice and determination.
Don’t let anxiety, fear or guilt prevent you from taking care of your “self” and keeping it in line. When you feel its anger or resentment or find your “self” whining or complaining, you need to set a spiritual boundary for it (James 1:19). Listen to your inner, spiritual self, determine what you need to do or say, then communicate concisely. Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. Set them in your own time frame, not when someone else (or your “self”) tells you. Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set spiritual boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life—those who want to manipulate, abuse, and control you (2 Cor. 6:14-16).