As you read on, hopefully you will be able to see how the ‘self’ can delude, twist and use you with all its evil ways to manipulate your life, while pretending to be your best friend.
We were married for 25 years, while building memories together, loving each other the best way we knew how, it got to the point of my knowing something had to give. Life had to be more than this, getting up each morning to the same ol’ routine. I was not awakening in the morning looking forward to discussing what Father wants to teach both of us today (remember, the man is the leader). Instead, we both did our chores for the day, only coming together to have an outing; going down to the marina; or walk around seeing all the beautiful yachts; or going inside the local thrift shops together; or to just talk together, etc. We always ate breakfast, lunch and dinner together, when he wasn’t gone working on projects. Of course, we met in the middle and talked with each other during the day, but, in the end, went back to our chores. I knew there was something missing, but didn’t know exactly what it was then, but I do now.
Fast forward to today and learning about true Spiritual Love, learning one can only learn to Love correctly, if they are constantly in the presence of Father. I finally came to a place in my life where I had to ask myself: How can I say I am in Love with my husband, if he doesn’t possess and follow Christ’s example and teachings? For a long time I believed he did have Christ in his life, i.e., knowing his grandmother, and how she lived, and being told of their past, since his grandparents were the ones who brought him up. Eventually, when it got to the point of not being able to talk about Christ, without his hairs on his chest standing up, it was then realized Christ wasn’t in his life, as was falsely believed before. I was the main one who read the Yoda/devotion in the morning and evening. When he did read, it was quick and without meaning. At mealtimes, I said the prayer most of time, but when he did pray out loud (Matthew 6:6) it was also quick and without meaning. These things have to not only be read, but lived.
When I say love, I mean real love, not an emotional infatuation, fake love, like the world teaches. I have now learned human love is loving what the other person does for you, a fleeting counterfeit love. Spiritual Love is laying down your life for the other person, every day, helping them spiritually. With the help of my Spiritual Guide and His wonderful words of Wisdom, I decided to change the environment for a bit. So I packed up my car with what was thought would be necessary for a short while, under the pretense of going to visit relatives. I never did let him know that something was missing in our marriage. I now know the missing piece was that Christ/God was not at the helm, as He should have been, as the Bible teaches. If we had talked it out, the outcome could have been confrontational. I don’t know, but at least he would have known there wasn’t true happiness: something was wrong. I so regret not speaking with him, before I left. I know now that Christ/God was not the one leading my husband. Because of his amazing arrogance, thinking he didn’t need anybody reigning over him, because he’s a know-it-all, how could it be the true love I was looking for in our marriage, if Christ wasn’t in his life?
I truly didn’t think it would take that long. With my being gone for such a long time, even though he continued to coax me to come back, I just hoped he would come to his senses, realize something was wrong, and actually ask me why I wasn’t coming back to him. Instead, he was oblivious to what was happening. He presumed he did no wrong, arrogance beyond belief, blaming me for everything. There was also my own arrogance, of knowing he would miss me and thinking he would ask me what happened. I wasn’t even aware I was arrogant, but Father was showing me my true colors, that I needed to get rid of my arrogance and trying to make things happen my way, and not accepting what Father’s Will was for me. I needed to become more responsible for myself, and not want the instant gratification I had always been given upon asking. I know now that instant, self-gratification was actually hurting my Spirit Being, by him giving me more that I asked for. I loved this instant, self gratification he always gave. Why would I want to give that up?
I first went to my son’s house and visited with him and his wife. Unknown at the time, they were having underlying issues too, for the same reason as me and my husband, and most other couples as well. While staying at their home, keeping it clean, taking care of animals and cooking, a binder was put together of various studies that interested me, such as Codes found in the Bible, information on the Crucifixion, God’s Diet, Prophetic Route, who is JAH (see Psalm 68:4), etc. In front of the binder was inserted the words to the song; Change My Heart Oh God. The first few lines go like this – Change my heart Oh God, Make it ever true, Change my heart oh God, May I be like You. You are the Potter, I am the clay, Mold me and make me, This is what I pray. On the back of the binder was inserted the Scriptures from The Book of Jeremiah 18:1-6. My ‘self’ was constantly telling me to go back home, my spirit-being asked: to what though, the same thing? The ‘self’ seems to be constantly leading you astray, which is why you have to take up your cross of ‘self’-sacrifice daily (Luke 9:23). It is so bad, you must constantly be on the lookout for how your actions will affect not only you, but others around you, far and near.
At the time, inserting the song on the front and Scriptures on the back, was my way of asking Father to change the heart of my husband, from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 11:19), to find Christ and start being the leader that I always wanted, but, little did I know, I was actually asking Father to change my own heart, which He definitely did.
Since the stay with my son and his wife wasn’t working, I left to go and stay with my sister and her husband for a short while. Before arriving at my sister’s house, I stopped at a store to buy a page of hearts to be placed on the page, Change my heart O God. After about a week, it was apparent they both definitely had different beliefs, and tried to pull me into directions (their ‘self’ actually) I knew was wrong, i.e.: buying another car and going into debt, saving for this holiday and that. The ‘self’ was constantly pulling at me to go down the path of destruction, whether it be to go into debt, or go back home, to what I had left. Neither of these visits worked well, my son’s or sister’s. By listening to my Spiritual Guide and His words of Wisdom, God’s Magical Mystery Tour led me to a friend’s house, where I could be helpful with her situation. Little did I know this is where Father was planting me, with someone who was like-minded, and who had the same morals and beliefs as I did. I felt we had known each other forever, which actually we did through reincarnation. I made the trip down to her house, after accepting this was Father’s Will for me, and eventually it became my home as well.
I arrived with such anger, frustration, depression, self-pity and fear inside, which is the ‘self’ coming out in its full glory and force, all of the self’s ominous ways. The self was giving me fits with its bad and many conglomerations of emotions. One day, it was so bad with all these emotions surrounding me (like a hurricane really), it became quite uncomfortable for both my special friend and myself. So uncomfortable, it instigated a “garage talk” out of Loving concern for my well Being. She told me how the “self” was overtaking me/my spirit Being, with all the emotions above, and it/self needed to be stopped, NOW. Her concern was my ‘self’ was going to completely take over and was going to drag me back to what I left.
After my arrival, it was soon discovered there was ongoing evil taking place in the form of a law enforcement case. When this was discovered, the self did not, in any way, want to help or take part in helping fight this evil. I’ve been there, (working in the past for law enforcement), done that, and didn’t want to do that again: how arrogant on my part. By not taking part in this, how I hurt so many people, and how sorry I am for that, at that time though, this was the path I chose. Today, I can say truthfully that every chance I get, I do take part in fighting this evil, whether it be sending out emails, going to the courthouse, or just having a shoulder when needed.
The garage talk was when the truth really came out about who the “self” was, and how all these dark emotions were absolutely engulfing my human and spirit-being, trying its best to convince me to go back to my husband. It kept telling me I didn’t need to do all these chores around here; that I could go back to what I was used to – instant gratification and doing what I wanted, when I wanted.
It took a long time for my spirit to accept the Truth about the self, how deceptive it is, and how it pretends to be your friend, by telling you what it wants you to hear, but not the Truth. With all the self’s above emotions inside whirling around like a hurricane, and never seeming to stop, I must admit that it was a definite roller-coaster-ride, that wasn’t pleasant at all. I was very slothful; didn’t want to work; just do the necessary things around the house. This is what I was used to and didn’t want to change. It took about 2 years to even begin to come out of this whirlwind. All in all, it took a total of almost 3 years, before I started to really see the Truth. This was a great feeling and certainly started to bring harmony into my life and surroundings. In my opinion, the only way to step outside of this whirlwind is with determination and Father’s/TM’s help, which will win your freedom back. It is so true, the Truth will set you free (John: 8:23).
“It took a true friend to put up with me and endure those horrid 3 years, and what I must have put her through every day. That’s true friendship that is only possible with Father’s help. I hope you can all find that kind of friend.”
The satan within (the ‘self’ again) still tries to pull me away, and go back to what I left, but with the determination previously mentioned, it won’t happen. I was angry at God for not making things the way I wanted and thought they should be: thinking I knew best what was good for me. I actually didn’t even know I was angry at God, until I started writing about my feelings. God is certainly not the one to be angry at, when He is so compassionate and loving, and wants to help in the best way possible not only for us, but for everyone. I was actually mad at my husband for not changing, which led into self-pity and certainly fear of the unknown – what was going to happen next? Alone again? I (the self/satan really telling me all this), certainly did not want to participate in any of the chores that needed to be done at the ranch. There came a time when I knew the car title needed to be changed to this state, change my address and make it permanent, talk about hard. Please see https://hannahmichaels.wordpress.com/?s=fear&submit=Search – this is a wonderful video on Irrational Fear made by TM. It was hard to deal with all these emotions, but, with Father and TM’s help, and all my special friends, I began to “see”, finally after 2 ½ years, maybe 3 or so living here, just a little bit of the real culprit, the “self”. I now see we were unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?
6:15 And what concord hath Christ with Wickedness? Or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?
6:16 And what agreement hath The Temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the Living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in [them]; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people.
6:17 Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean [thing]; and I will receive you,
6:18 And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be My [adopted] sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.)
Eventually, this change that was needed started to happen. I began to “see” that my husband had his own free-will choice, whether to follow Christ or not. This was very hard to accept and swallow, to say the least. I certainly played my part, by not pointing him back in the right direction, back towards God. Not doing as much cooking as I should have, just making sure we had three square meals a day. Trying new recipes, filling the house with the aroma of homemade bread or whatever, very seldom happened. I kept the house clean, but probably not as clean as it should have been. I wish we had studied The Law together or even read http://thewayhomeorfacethefire.net and lived both of them together, but we stayed in our separate rooms, except when time came to eat together, or have outings, as mentioned above. We certainly talked with each other when we wanted a break, but it just wasn’t what it should have been. We both loved to sail, but he did most of the sailing. So it’s not like we were never together, but the one thing, in my opinion, which is so important, we didn’t study The Word together, or talk about Christ/God. Over time, his arrogance and listening to the bad voice (the ‘self’/satan), thinking he knew it all, (actually the self/satan again deceiving him) overtook him. We now live both estranged in separate homes, in different states. He was asked to give me a Bill of Divorcement but, to this day, that hasn’t happened. I constantly continue to pray for him, for him to wake-up and ‘see’ who his ‘self’ really is, and how it pretends to be his best friend, and how it absolutely raises havoc. Have you heard the saying; You are your own worst enemy? The human you are inhabiting is your spirit-being’s and its own worst enemy (the satan within and around you).
The chores are now looked upon as teachings and lessons that needed to be learned, i.e. cooking, cleaning, chores which are now done on a daily basis – cleaning, taking care of animals/feeding them, mowing the yard as needed, weeding in the garden – my goodness, the list goes on. Oh, I still make mistakes, we all do, but strive to be perfect as our Father Who is in Heaven, is perfect.
I continue to pray my husband digs himself out of this pit, dark hole, finds Christ and starts to follow Him. Up to this point, as far as I know, that hasn’t happened. Maybe it will someday, but I have had false hope for so long, it’s time to move on.
I also have learned everything happens for a reason. During the last few years of my husband and I being together, he shared the little book with me called, “The Way Home or face The Fire”. The link is https:/thewayhomeorfacethefire.net which, upon reading from beginning to end, has literally changed my life, for the good, but not his, because he only read it and spoke about it, but didn’t digest and live it (Revelation 10:9 And I went unto the angel, and said unto him, Give me the little book. And he said unto me, Take [it], and eat it up; and it shall make thy belly bitter, but it shall be in thy mouth as sweet as honey.
This book is free to the whole world, and a must read for everyone; the title is self-explanatory. This book was written in 40 days, does that tell you anything about who the author is?
Ladies, if you feel God wants to take you on His Magical Mystery Tour, please listen to Him and follow His Will, not your own ‘self’-will (Matthew 6:10). I really encourage you to set Spiritual Goals/Healthy Boundaries and stick to them, no matter the cost, get determined and don’t waiver. March on soldier.